"Is This Your First?"

     So now that I have grown to a nice rounded size...this seems to be the question that I get asked a lot in passing, by you know, whoever. "Awww congratulations! Is this your first?" to which I smile and graciously say thank you and and yes. But, every time I answer yes to this question I immediately think to myself..NO! this is not your first! You see, it's not my first. Emerson is my fifth child. I have four other sweet babies, they just don't happen to reside here on this Earth with me. I think about them a lot more these days, especially since we are so close to getting to meet their brother. It is the most ridiculously bittersweet time in my life. I am so anxious to finally meet Emerson, but at the same time my heart still longs for those babies as well. I wonder what they would have looked like, if they were little boys or girls, who they would have become. I know that my questions will be answered someday when I see them in the arms of Jesus, but that doesn't stop me from wanting them to be here with me at times. 

     So I smile and I respond, "yes this is my first." even though I know in my heart I am already a mother four times over. I would never throw that out there in casual conversation "No actually it's my fifth, but the first I will bring home you see." I would never seek to catch a complete stranger off guard and feeling awkward having to digest that nugget of information. But somehow I felt the need to claim them, to speak out that they were once here, that I am their mother, and that someday I WILL know them. So...

"No this is not my first child. This is my fifth precious child. Four of my babies are resting safe in the arms of Jesus and someday Michael, myself, and Emerson will see and know them."