Whew! I feel like I have been going, going, going like a mad woman the past few weeks. It's like there is always something going on or something to do! But, if you know, are married to, or are a teacher you probably know the hectic time of year that is the end of school! My husband does not enjoy the months of August or May...I severely neglect my wifely jobs like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry(who am I kidding, I have never been an overachiever in those areas!) during these two months. There is just so much going on...I can't help it, really.
However, I am on the brink of summer break...it is soooo close...2 days, so things are slowly starting to wind down, I mean I am updating the blog BEFORE midnight and on a school night to boot! But with school winding down I feel like there are some other things that personally I am ready to pump the breaks on.
So since October,as a lot of you know, we have been actively trying to get pregnant again...to no avail. I found my self most months really prioritizing it. I was all "To Do for November: I gotta learn how to teacher persuasive writing to second graders AND get pregnant." "To do for April: How do I teach second graders to write Fairy Tales, oh yeah and GET PREGNANT ALREADY!" Try as I may each month to be like, whatever, we are just trying, no stress, meh...yeah right...I am super obsessive about certain things and getting pregnant is one of them, evidently.
With that being said...I am exhausted...really. This month did me it I think...I was 2 days late and even though I took a test the day after my period was due I was still slightly hopeful the following day when it still didn't show up and I started trying to come up with some reason I would have no period and a negative pregnancy test but still be pregnant...even though deep down I knew it just defied logic...I haven't really had time for good ole logic these days people.
Anyway, you can probably guess what happened the 3rd day...yep...confirmation that I had indeed lost the capacity for rational thought the previous 2 days...I wasn't and am not pregnant. Quit playing games with my heart(and mind) mother nature...
I think, though, I am ready for a break...now I don't know how that is going to really go over once I hit that peak fertility week in my cycle this month, but for really my heart is just kinda worn down and needs a break from the the little mini tears it endures due to my disappointment each month. So, we are gonna just take a hiatus from "active" babymaking...you know the charting and all that crap...just live life, enjoy the upcoming summer break, and wind down.
Happy start of summer all!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Tiny hands and feet, and a very BIG green eyed monster
So I have this friend, a best friend really. She is an all around amazing woman who I have always thought was way to cool to be my friend. Today she did something rather amazing...something that to be honest I didn't think would happen to her for a little bit, but then again I think that is what makes it even more amazing. Today my friend had a baby girl. A truly perfect, stunning, precious baby girl. She is a rock star and I am so proud of her.
I, on the other hand, am not too proud of myself. You see I have been an extremely withdrawn friend. I haven't been active part of this entire process for her and I am so upset and ashamed of myself. I think earlier this year I had posted something about living in a world filled with people who are pregnant or getting pregnant and try as I may I couldn't(still can't) seem to gain admittance to this exclusive club. This was all fine and dandy and a little irritating, when it was just people I knew or was kinda friends with or went to school with I could shrug it off and say, "well that is so wonderful for them. I hope things go well." and move right along without a single hitch in my giddy up(what?) It was different for me when it became my best friend...you may say, "seriously?! What is wrong with you? I would be over the moon for my friend." I WAS and I AM...but that was kind of the problem I was SOOOOO overjoyed and beyond astonished, amazed, and excited and that conflicted very strongly with this part of me from my deep dark place that just wanted to cry because I wasn't getting to experience it for myself. I would feel excited, then jealous, then guilty, then just heartbroken because I couldn't get a grip on things. So I did what a lot of people do when faced with a tough situation...I pretended like it wasn't there, ran away, and hid...
Not a good choice.
I have missed out on getting to be a part of her journey as she prepared to become a mom for the first time...there won't be another first time...I missed it...I missed out on being there for her as she experienced the completely miraculous and amazing(sometimes not so comfortable) experience of growing a life and bringing that tiny person into the world. I missed all of these things because I was unable and unwilling to see past my own hurt and situation and put someone I care for before myself...it was all around selfishness. Something I regret terribly.
So there is my truth...it is hard to have a best friend who is expecting...there is no end to the crazy spectrum of emotions you are gonna feel. I did a really poor job of handling them this time...I can only hope to start fresh, and do better from now on. I plan to start by getting to see this new beauty and loving on her very much. I will keep you posted on my progress...that is all I can do is try to make progress and move forward.
I, on the other hand, am not too proud of myself. You see I have been an extremely withdrawn friend. I haven't been active part of this entire process for her and I am so upset and ashamed of myself. I think earlier this year I had posted something about living in a world filled with people who are pregnant or getting pregnant and try as I may I couldn't(still can't) seem to gain admittance to this exclusive club. This was all fine and dandy and a little irritating, when it was just people I knew or was kinda friends with or went to school with I could shrug it off and say, "well that is so wonderful for them. I hope things go well." and move right along without a single hitch in my giddy up(what?) It was different for me when it became my best friend...you may say, "seriously?! What is wrong with you? I would be over the moon for my friend." I WAS and I AM...but that was kind of the problem I was SOOOOO overjoyed and beyond astonished, amazed, and excited and that conflicted very strongly with this part of me from my deep dark place that just wanted to cry because I wasn't getting to experience it for myself. I would feel excited, then jealous, then guilty, then just heartbroken because I couldn't get a grip on things. So I did what a lot of people do when faced with a tough situation...I pretended like it wasn't there, ran away, and hid...
Not a good choice.
I have missed out on getting to be a part of her journey as she prepared to become a mom for the first time...there won't be another first time...I missed it...I missed out on being there for her as she experienced the completely miraculous and amazing(sometimes not so comfortable) experience of growing a life and bringing that tiny person into the world. I missed all of these things because I was unable and unwilling to see past my own hurt and situation and put someone I care for before myself...it was all around selfishness. Something I regret terribly.
So there is my truth...it is hard to have a best friend who is expecting...there is no end to the crazy spectrum of emotions you are gonna feel. I did a really poor job of handling them this time...I can only hope to start fresh, and do better from now on. I plan to start by getting to see this new beauty and loving on her very much. I will keep you posted on my progress...that is all I can do is try to make progress and move forward.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
It could always be worse...right?
So you know when something that you think is totally tragic, and sometimes really is, happens and there is always that handy friend there to tell you, "Hey, it could always be worse." Well...I was someones "it could always be worse" today, and I have to tell you that at first I was all like..."woah...depressed...you're right my situation is TOTALLY worse than that"(sad face) but then I thought about the mother and father who lost their precious 8 year old son in Boston 2 weeks ago and numerous others who could say that their situation is totally worse than mine. Mine didn't seem as sad in that moment...
Point being that there are a lot of hurting hearts out there in the world tonight. Our friends, family, coworkers, the lady behind you in the self checkout line at Wal-mart, people you know are hurting. Hearts are aching and broken and to be honest we probably have no clue that someone close to us is searching desperately for something to ease or take away the hurt. I think that is why I am so into sharing my story and laying my heart out in there in the open for all of the you to see...good, bad, and ugly though it may be. I want those hurting hearts, especially those of my fellow sisters who are enduring this roller coaster ride of miscarriage and infertility, to know that it doesn't have to hurt forever...that there is a hope and peace for your tired and weary heart. Jesus.
Today at church we were discussing the cross, picturing the cross and what it meant to us as we held it in our minds eye...to me it was hope and freedom...yes hope and freedom from the weight of my sin, but also a hope and freedom from the weight of sorrow, sadness, burden, heartbreak...my God died on that cross to bear my burden for ME...all of it. In that single thought there is such a fullness of hope.
I don't really know where I am going with this...I just know that we need to be a body of believers, people, whatever you want to call it, who love with out condition as often as we can...on whoever we can...you never know that lady behind you in line at the self check in Wal-mart could have a heart that is battered and scared and you might just be able to give her some of the hope and healing that she is searching for.
*Thinking of all of the mothers who have lost a precious child, baby, angel baby on this Bereaved Mothers Day with a full heart...may you all be greatly blessed...
Point being that there are a lot of hurting hearts out there in the world tonight. Our friends, family, coworkers, the lady behind you in the self checkout line at Wal-mart, people you know are hurting. Hearts are aching and broken and to be honest we probably have no clue that someone close to us is searching desperately for something to ease or take away the hurt. I think that is why I am so into sharing my story and laying my heart out in there in the open for all of the you to see...good, bad, and ugly though it may be. I want those hurting hearts, especially those of my fellow sisters who are enduring this roller coaster ride of miscarriage and infertility, to know that it doesn't have to hurt forever...that there is a hope and peace for your tired and weary heart. Jesus.
Today at church we were discussing the cross, picturing the cross and what it meant to us as we held it in our minds eye...to me it was hope and freedom...yes hope and freedom from the weight of my sin, but also a hope and freedom from the weight of sorrow, sadness, burden, heartbreak...my God died on that cross to bear my burden for ME...all of it. In that single thought there is such a fullness of hope.
I don't really know where I am going with this...I just know that we need to be a body of believers, people, whatever you want to call it, who love with out condition as often as we can...on whoever we can...you never know that lady behind you in line at the self check in Wal-mart could have a heart that is battered and scared and you might just be able to give her some of the hope and healing that she is searching for.
*Thinking of all of the mothers who have lost a precious child, baby, angel baby on this Bereaved Mothers Day with a full heart...may you all be greatly blessed...
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