I Know I'm a Mess...But YOU'RE Constant

So you know how when you are thinking about buying a certain car or even right after you buy a new car you all of a sudden start to see cars just like yours all over the road...even though you are almost certain that hardly anyone drove that kind of car before, making it seem semi rare and in truth that was part of what enticed you to buy it in the first place. Well, I have come to find out that pregnancy is EXACTLY the same way. It just so happens that when you are trying your darnedest to get pregnant every time you turn around, or log in to Facebook, someone else on your friends list is posting an entirely too creative way to announce their upcoming buddle of joy...yes I know, I sound a little bitter...and jealous...and envious...and you know what, I am...all of those things. Real talk. Please to all of my very special and precious friends who are expecting you must know that my heart is bursting with happiness for you and I also would totally like switch places with you tomorrow. I feel like I am torn between these two sides of feeling...like a hormonal Jekyll and Hyde. I cry because I am happy. I then turn around and cry because I want so badly for that to be me. It is a very strange, complicated gambit of emotion, and try as I may it does get me down some days.

I tell myself that really, it is all baby steps. The first step I took was the all too wobbly step to even voice my story. The next step was to find the stregnth to try again to get pregnant. The most recent step, the one that I still stumble around and fall on my rump most of the time, was letting go of the process. Trying very hard not to obsesses over every aspect the cycle and let God take the lead.(I am getting better I only peed on two sticks this month...progress) I guess another step that I am going to have to very carefully attempt to take is to put all this bitterness aside and to give all the joy I have to these women who I love and care about and truly wish nothing but complete happiness to. I have to stop rushing this along just because Sally Sue is due in July and I want to be too. Faith...God is whispering or rather singing over me...have faith. And I am shouting back...but it's soooooo sooooo soooo hard!

I am a lover of music...I love it. I find that music speaks so much more to me than most spoken word most days. I think that God meets me when I am having an inpromptu jam/worship sesh, usually in my car, and when he does things get real...and I get wrecked, but I always leave feeling like, "dang! God knows me, my heart, and where I am and what I am sifting through right now." And he always has the right thing to say. "When the darkness falls and I am at my weakest point...let me be found faithful" So true...I want to be found fatihful...to be strong in my faith, even in the darkness, even at my weakest...and I am in those places all too often it seems. I am so thankful to have a God who loves me and wrecks me through his song and reminds me of my true heart.

I couldn't find the video of the song I was quoting, but this is the same band and it is good stuff too..."I know I'm a mess and you're constant. Always here come rain or shine. Life is fast and you are still. I know I could never outrun you."

Darkness Falls: The Assemblie

The battle rages on deep down within me
My flesh pulls one way
Your will pulls the other
This battle must be won
And it’s mine to fight
You know I long to be victorious
When the darkness falls
And I am at my weakest point
Let me be found faithful
As the years go by
And You look back on all I’ve done
Let me be found faithful
What good are my intentions without convictions
Come stir my inner being
Beyond all emotion
What good are my successes without holiness
I could gain the world and still be without You
You are brilliant
Shining like the stars
When You look down on me
I hope You’re pleased with me
You are brilliant shining like the stars
When I see Your face
I long to hear You say
Well done child, well done child
Well done child
You’ve been faithful

Little Pink Line

So I know, I know...I haven't been  on top of updating here the last couple of weeks. I like to think of it as a brief hiatus during which my time was occupied by travel, eating, family, and a couple of celebrations here and there. But I am back and going to try to be better(says every blogger ever) It's not that I haven't had many things stir up my thoughts and inspire me to take to my keyboard and write, I have! It's just that time seems to be something that I don't have much of right now, like I seriously think I get shorted hours in the day or something of that nature.(excuses I know, I know) Well, all of my adoring fans...all 10 of you(who I love)...here you go!

When I first started this blog I wanted to create a forum for honesty. Not just  a place for me to come and spill my guts, which is what usually happens, but a place where other women walking down a somewhat similar path as I am could come, read, share, and feel like they weren't entirely alone in their struggles. So in the interest of following through and realizing that vision, I think there are some things that I am ready to put out there and be pretty raw and real about.

If you have read any of my previous postings you know about my stuggles with miscarriage. But as a quick catch up for you newbies I will give you the short of it. Over the course of exactly 12 months, which was very strange, ironic even, my husband and I lost three pregnancies and four babies(one set of identical twins). During this journey of joy and heartache it was determined that I have a blood clotting disorder that they, the doctors,  believe is causing my miscarriages, but the only way to be certain is to get pregnant again and inject myself with a blood thinner twice a day for the duration of the pregnancy. Our third and most recent miscarriage happened in July. We were given the go ahead to try for baby number 5 after I had had two-three cycles. 

Which brings me to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. My husband and I were a little reluctant to start trying again so soon. As you can imagine the emotions surrounding the entire process can be very draining. How can you experience excitement, hope, and anticipation all the while feeling terrified, doubtful, and defeated? It seems like all that emotion would be impossible to feel at once, but trust...I feel all of that and more most days. Through our prayer and discussions it became clear to us that our absolute desire to have a child completely obliterated the fear, worry, and doubt, so at the end of September we started trying to conceive again.

No, this is not one of those "SURPRISE! We are pregnant" posts, I mean, I wish it were. It is more of a "We're not pregnant...so now what?" post. I don't know what it is like for the rest of you trying to conceive peeps out there, or TTC as all the message boards and groups on the internet call it. Clever right? But, I go crazy for peeing on those little sticks! I should really buy stock in First Response, or at least set up a savings account just to cover the cost of my addiction. I do though, I have to pee on a million of them, and each and every time I see that single, solitary pink line a little piece of my hope, my joy gets taken away. So, this month, much like last month as I peed on my First Response and stared at it for 3 minutes willing a second pink line to somehow manifest itself, I had one of those "What the hell am I doing!" moments. I mean, how is it that for the past 3 months, 90 days, I have let this one pink line steal my joy?! How have I allowed this hope for a child become the thing that consumes my life?! How did I allow myself yank this plan for my marriage and my family right back out of the hands of Christ when I had so willingly placed it there 3 months ago?! What the hell was I doing? 

Right then and there I threw away all of my pregnancy test paraphernalia. I had to right this ship that had gotten so terribly off course. I had to let go....If you know me, you know that that is a terribly hard thing for me to do, but I had to. If I believe in what I have been touting about on here, if I believe that God has a plan for all of this suffering, a plan to bring beauty from these ashes, then I have to live it. "Yahweh-yireh" those aren't just some pretty words and they don't just look cool tattooed on a wrist...they are words of truth and affirmation over my life and I have GOT to believe it. I can't make this happen...I cannot make myself get pregnant. If it is in my plan, God will make it happen. I mean who am I kidding, God is bigger than an ovulation predictor kit. Just sayin. He is constant, He is only good, He is soveriegn, He is there in the dark, He is there when it hurts and you have ONE big pink like staring you the face screaming better luck next time. He is God.The end.

Are You Trying to Tell Me Something?

Whoa! Two posts in two days! What has gotten into me? This post is nothing profound, not that any post I have written has been profound, but let's just say this post isn't super deep. More like something that has been on my chest for a bit, and I am ready to get it off. Maybe then it won't bug me so much later.

So here is my "gripe", and I hate to use the term gripe, but I am at a lose for a better term because basically I am going to do some complaining right here...see this post has selfish undertones...nothing profound...Back to my "gripe", I have realized here recently that when people around you know that you are eventually going to be attempting to get pregnant they all become a super duper investigator pregnancy spy. Anything and everything you say must be some convoluted hint at the fact that you are with child. If you say "man I am so tired today" the response you get is "What are you trying to say?" "Are you trying to tell us something?" Why yes I am....I am tired...it's Monday and I stayed up late last night watching Breaking Amish because I am oddly intrigued by it, that is what I was trying to tell you. Surprise!

Ok, ok...I know that sounds terribly rude and mean for me to even be bothered by this, and in truth most of the time I'm not. I usually shrug it off and say no, not pregnant. Let me also say that I know this line of questioning comes from a good place, and I am thankful to have people in my life who are more anxious and excited about what is to come than I am at times. I know that they just want to see me blessed and get to experience the profound privilege of being someone's mom.

But here is the deal...the real deal. I have been pretty up front here lately with my situation and the journey I am on, so I figure when the time comes that I am lucky enough to be pregnant again I will share parts of that journey openly. You won't have to spend time trying to decode cryptic message said in passing or ask the questions like "Are you trying to tell us something?" and "What does that mean?" etc. I will be all like newsflash there is a baby up in here...or something to that effect.

So thank you all for caring enough to be curious and inquire about the occupational status of my womb...but I would appreciate it a little bit more if you would wait for me to let you in on the news when it happens.

The Belly of the Whale

Have you ever wondered how Jonah felt when he was swallowed up and chillin in the belly of the whale? Well, I highly doubt he was "chillin" more like despairing. Anyway, I imagine he felt a bit of frustration with himself for not being obedient in the first place, scared that he may not make it out, and desperate for God to show him mercy and come to his rescue. But that's just me.

As I was listening to my pastor teach about Jonah today, I realized that I have felt just like I imagine Jonah to have felt for those 3 long days trapped in the belly of the whale. I have felt scared and uncertain about my future, afraid that there was no light at the end of my darkness. I have felt desperate for God to not only show me mercy and come to my rescue, but for Him to just give me peace and hold me close. I have more recently felt frustration with myself for thinking that I could control my life and situation, that my plan was somehow going to work out better than the plan God has so meticulously designed for me, when of course it didn't. But as my pastor continued on he made a statement that was kind of a mind blow for me as I was having my moment with Jonah, he said that God didn't place Jonah in the belly of the whale out of wrath for his disobedience but that he placed him there out of his kindness. What?! Yeah...mind blow...so as I'm pondering this, still in my Jonah moment sitting in the belly of the giant fish and all, I have this "whoa, ah ha" moment. My whale, of course, is this struggle through miscarriage and if my pastor's statement holds true, God didn't place me in "the belly of my whale" out of anger, but out of love and kindness....hmmmmm

Chew on that for a second, I know I had to. I think this takes us back to the struggle with the idea of how can a God who loves me so much and wants things for my good and not to harm, deal out such hurt. How is that kind? I know that is a question that most of us at some point in our trials have asked or will ask, I have. I think it is a valid question. Not one that God hears and thinks how dare you question my love, rather I think he wants us to ask it so he can blow our minds by showing us his love in a way that we couldn't imagine. He has so much more waiting for us.

And oh man did God have big things in store for Jonah! I mean come on, God knew that boy was gonna high tail it in the complete opposite direction of Nineveh before he even told Jonah to go there, but he was kind when he rescued him from the sea, via whale, and delivered him to dry land again. Jonah was stirred and his fervor reignited for his God, his deliverer, and hundreds of thousands of people in Nineveh were saved as a result. God wanted to bless those people through Jonah. So maybe that is my story too. Maybe this whale that has me holed up in it's belly is a blessing for others waiting to be delivered. There is has to be so much more to my story. I know that God has a plan show me love and kindness and blessing in a way that will really blow my mind. 

So in the end all I can do is thank God for his kindness, thank God for the whale(even if it is a little stinky sometimes)

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. <--- Truth
                                                      Jeremiah 32:17
 

The American Dream? Hmmmm

So lately God has been shifting my ideas, or should I say my perspective about MANY things. This comes a result of me bombarding him with relentless questions all day long. You know the why's, and what next's, and when's...those kinds of questions that still plague my brain more often than not. But, one of the many things that I have began thinking quite differently about is this illusion of the quote unquote "American Dream". (Cause I can assure you I do not feel as if I am living a dream at the moment in all honesty.) You know the old 2.5 kids, house in the burbs, dog in the yard, white picket fence hoopla that you grow up believing is what it's all about. Boy meets girl, they get married, buy a house and a dog, they make some babies and shuttle them around to various extracurricular activities. But who on Earth decided that was the goal to shoot for? That, that was this amazing accomplishment we should all pat ourselves on the back for having attained?

Now don't misunderstand me, I am not in anyway saying this scene, this dream, this life is wrong. No. Not at all. But God is really teaching me that His dream for my family is going to look soooo different. His dream from my family is the perfect and most amazing dream. One that I could never have dared to dream up or concoct on my own.

I feel like so often we(or maybe just me) have this feeling that what we had dreamed up or planned out for our lives is the way it should be and we push and try everything to make the relationships and circumstances in our lives fit into this plan, or timeline. We(or me...I'm really just speaking to myself here) sometimes get so wrapped up in this daily grind of making life go according to our predesigned idea or plan that somewhere in the mix we lose sight of God and we stop truly listening to the directions he is giving. 

I know that God has taken Michael and I down this path for a reason. If not for anything other than the realization that our dream, HIS dream for us is not what many would consider perfectly aligned with the all American dream. The realization that the plan for our lives together that we had going into this are not the same plans that God had for us. We don't know what those plans are...still no clue...like none. BUT we aren't afraid. We know better now to listen, and look to him for direction because he isn't in the business of leading us astray. His map for our lives is perfectly laid out. 

Where to now...

Wow! So amazed by all the support from some many in regards to my last post. I  kinda of gave the brief, but not so brief, version of our story and where we are as of today in the last post. This post is a little info on what my actual "diagnosis" if you can call it that is, and what our next steps will be.

After I miscarried our twins my doctor was pretty proactive in trying to determine if there was something causing this difficulty carrying a baby or if we were just dealt a terrible hand of bad luck. We decided that it may be best to run several typical test they would run on a woman with a history of recurrent miscarriage, which test for many things, one of which being blood clotting disorders. Now I am not sure how much you know about blood clotting disorders, and I am by no means an expert on the topic, but there are many different things/abnormalities that could cause a blood clotting issue. Some have to do with blood not being thick enough others with blood being too thick. I have two abnormal markers for two separate clotting disorders. But basically I have thick blood.This is why, we assume, the hemorrhages or clots are forming during early pregnancy and why they are so large in size. Typically a woman with a thick blood would be put on some type of blood thinner during pregnancy, heparin is the most common. However, with the changing of doctors during our most recent pregnancy and some misinformation from UAMS genetic counseling, the information regarding my clotting issue wasn't brought up and addressed until after my first ultrasound at 7wks when it was determined that the baseball sized clot had developed. It is so true that you are your own advocate when it comes to medical issues...lesson learned. Anyway, the doctor did not think it advisable to start doses of heparin thinking that would/could be harmful to the fetus. We decided to take the baby aspirin in and effort to thin out my blood less drastically. This, sadly, did not work and we were not able to maintain the pregnancy as you all know. BUT there is good news! We have a plan for moving forward!

The doctor has given us the go ahead to start trying to conceive again in two or three months...we are two months out from our miscarriage so in all reality we could start trying on my next cycle. Now will we...not sure yet...my body may be ready but I'm not sure our hearts and spirits are quite there yet. Back to the plan...once we have a positive pregnancy test confirmed we will immediately start twice daily doses of the blood thinner heparin. Now this doesn't sound so terrible I know, but I have not mentioned that this is not an oral medication...you must inject it into your body, meaning shots twice a day for 40wks. Not so much looking forward to that,  but at this point I am willing to do whatever I have to in order to ensure that I am able to carry a baby to term. I am sure that in addition to the heparin there will be heavy monitoring of hormone levels and most likely progesterone supplements because I usually have very low progesterone levels. 

So that is where we our and our plan for going forward. I feel good about it and our chances this next go round...whenever that will be!

Yahweh-yireh: The Lord Will Provide

So here we go again... I have tried this blogging thing before, and found that I was quite terrible at updating and posting. BUT this time around I am almost positive that I will do a much better job of posting...you see, I am on a journey that I hope and pray will lead to the healing and restoration of my heart. It is my hope that a part of my healing will come through releasing some of the burden  that I have placed on myself, putting on my best brave face and carrying the weight of my troubles all on my own, by laying it all out on the page or screen as the case may be. So here it goes....

This is where my real story begins...July 2011. My husband and I were approaching our second wedding anniversary and while yes, we talked vaguely about having kids, when we would have kids, there were no plans to have a baby anytime soon...or so we thought/planned. It was around this time that I noticed some changes in my body the obvious being I hadn't had a period in a while, so on a whim I took a pregnancy test...it was positive. We were shocked...seriously shocked...and scared. Were we ready to be parents? Were we ready to give up the freedom that comes with having no children? Were we ready to give up our sleep? At first it seemed as if the answer to all of those questions was NO...but as the weeks went on we started to get excited about this unexpected turn of events. But at 7wks pregnant we lost our baby. As quickly as we had learned of this baby, we had lost it. We were heartbroken. Something within us had been stirred though, the overwhelming desire to be parents. To be blessed with the opportunity to bring a life into the world and help that little life grow into a man or woman who desperately loved God and his people. So as soon as we got the ok from the Dr. we started actively trying to conceive again. It didn't take long. Three months after our miscarriage we were pregnant again. Everything seemed to be going well. Until one fall morning as I got out of my car at work. I felt a gush of something when I stood up to climb out of the car and my stomach dropped. It was like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone, I felt like I had just left this place and I was back again. I was an emotional wreck as I walked into the building and my coworkers were amazing. They took care of me and tried the best they could to comfort me. I left right away and went straight to my Dr. They got me in very quickly to do and ultrasound. I was expecting bad news, but to my shock I wasn't losing a baby, in fact I was pregnant with 2! It was identical twins...and a hemorrhage in my uterus causing the bleeding. They assured me, however, that this was common and usually cleared itself up over time.  We were over the moon...we had lost a baby, but were now suddenly blessed with 2. We went back to the Dr. two weeks later for another ultrasound and check up...this time we wouldn't leave with good news, but heartbreak again. Our little twins had stopped growing at 8 1/2 wks and we were having another miscarriage.

As you can imagine we were completely crushed...I couldn't function around anyone but my husband for a week. I stayed in my home away from the world and hid. I eventually had to pull myself out of my hole of despair because I had 16 innocent 5 year olds waiting for me at school and even though it hurt my heart for weeks just to be around them I couldn't let them down. It's funny...you can go through the days and put on a happy face and no one would even know that deep down it is taking all you have not to crumble to pieces on the spot. My husband and I still hadn't lost hope that we would be parents some day. So we kept trying to have a baby. 

June 2012...I knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even missed a period, but I knew. I had a good feeling about this one too. I took a pregnancy test, and just as I had expected, it was positive. I changed doctors I wanted a Dr. with more experience and he was having me come in once a week to check all of my hormone levels. The day came in early/mid July when I went in for my first ultrasound. I was so nervous and truthfully expected bad news..that was all I had ever known. It took less than ten seconds for the tech to find the baby and it's heartbeat. It was measuring right at 7wks and had a heartbeat of 136bpm. Everything looked great...except that I had another hemorrhage in my uterus, this time the size of a baseball. My Dr. put me on a baby aspirin as a blood thinner. You see I have been diagnosed with some blood clotting issues, but they don't know how specifically they effect pregnancy. I was taking the aspirin and continuing to have my levels checked weekly. Everything seemed to be going well. I was so sick, sicker than I had ever been in my two pregnancies before this one. It felt like we were finally going to get our miracle. July 29, 2012 at 10 weeks we had our third miscarriage and lost our fourth baby in 12 months. I don't think I even have the words to write to begin to explain the depths of my sorrow, and my pain, my anger, my feeling of failure. 

In the weeks after this loss my husband and I had to rely heavily on God and his promise that all things are for our good, that he is for us and that in all things he WILL provide. I'm not sure what that will look like. I don't know if it will be in the form of a biological child, or an adoptive child, or a foster child. That part of his plan is still very clouded and uncertain right now, but I know he will provide for us now and always.

We were sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and our pastor was speaking out of Genesis, where God told Abraham to take Isaac and sacrifice him as an offering. Abraham was obedient in this and just when he thought he was going to loose a son God provided an animal, sheep or goat or something for him to sacrifice in the place of his son. Abraham in that moment uttered yahweh-yireh, the lord will provide and named that place that in remembrance of that moment. My husband looked at me and said that is for us, our hope, our promise, the reminder of our renewed faith.

                                 Yahweh-yireh: The Lord Will Provide

Yes  that is a tattoo. I know that it may have some negative connotations or stereotypes, but it is symbol of my hope and faith in my God and a part of my story. I am not ashamed of my story. It is a part of what God has planned to grow my faith and who I am and I know that he is going to bless my family...he will provide for us in ways unimaginable...I claim it and I believe it.