Ok, so I am just now getting around to posting about my retretrospective of this past year...I know, I know we are what, like 13 days in and I should have already hammered this out, but as most college friends could probably attest to I am a chronic procrastinator. I do my best work when under an intense time constraint. All of that just to say...sorry it has taken me 13 days to share my enlightened reflections and goals for the coming new year...
As this past year was drawing to a very anticlimactic close, I sat down, and at first thought about how rough this year was and how very excited I would be to see it go...(no tears cried for you 2012), but when I slowed down the movie reel, depicting this years best and worst moments, in my head I realized that this year wasn't as horribly awful as I thought, or as most people around me probably think I thought it was...this year was actually life changing, in the best way possible.
I mean, did this year have it's moments of lose, intense hurt, anger, bitterness, etc...of course it did. But, it was in those moments, walking through this indescribably difficult season of life that I was drawn closer to my God than ever before in my life. My faith was tested and redefined...I mean I actually had to depend on my faith, my faith in Christ alone in order to not completely lose it and spiral into a really dark, lonely place. You see, I had a friend point out to me recently, in the nicest way possible, that despite what I might think, I have in fact lived a pretty "spoiled" life. I mean I didn't have a "real" job until I was 22 out of college and started teaching. I had a monthly allowance all through college and never had to work, I just had to get good grades, which thankfully came relatively easily for me.I got a new car when I graduated from high school. If I needed something, I got it. (let's be clear...if I NEEDED something, not WANTED something, BIG difference...I wasn't that spoiled.) And, for the majority of my college and young adult life my testimony had been mostly about how God had "kept" me.(see...spoiled in all aspects of my life) Kept me in a church. Kept me from being surrounded by friends that might influence me to make some wrong choices. Kept me from enduring the intense pain of losing someone close to me. He had kept me and I liked it that way. Things were as I thought they should always be....a few small snags or bumps along the way but nothing serious.
It was during this time of my life that I was so into God, but my faith was so weak...I knew all the right things to say or do, the right ways to carry myself, but my faith was weak. Now, I am able to look back on that season of my life and yes, long for the simple uncomplication of it all, but I wouldn't trade these days for those days, not for a million bucks. I have come to a place where my faith has been thoroughly put through a fire. I have been pushed to my breaking point, only to discover that could was always there holding my hand longing for my heart to rest in him. I have come to a place where I now without a shadow of a doubt that the only one who knows my plan and who wants to see that plan come to fruition is my God, but if I can't trust in that, have faith in that, then I am the one who is missing the blessing. And, I don't want to miss out on the blessing God has in store for my family!
So, 2012, it would be so simple for me to say good rid-ins, but I won't. Instead I will simply say thank you. Thank you for being the year my life seemed to fall to pieces only to be picked back up and placed back together in an even more beautiful deisign by my God.
