Are You Trying to Tell Me Something?

Whoa! Two posts in two days! What has gotten into me? This post is nothing profound, not that any post I have written has been profound, but let's just say this post isn't super deep. More like something that has been on my chest for a bit, and I am ready to get it off. Maybe then it won't bug me so much later.

So here is my "gripe", and I hate to use the term gripe, but I am at a lose for a better term because basically I am going to do some complaining right here...see this post has selfish undertones...nothing profound...Back to my "gripe", I have realized here recently that when people around you know that you are eventually going to be attempting to get pregnant they all become a super duper investigator pregnancy spy. Anything and everything you say must be some convoluted hint at the fact that you are with child. If you say "man I am so tired today" the response you get is "What are you trying to say?" "Are you trying to tell us something?" Why yes I am....I am tired...it's Monday and I stayed up late last night watching Breaking Amish because I am oddly intrigued by it, that is what I was trying to tell you. Surprise!

Ok, ok...I know that sounds terribly rude and mean for me to even be bothered by this, and in truth most of the time I'm not. I usually shrug it off and say no, not pregnant. Let me also say that I know this line of questioning comes from a good place, and I am thankful to have people in my life who are more anxious and excited about what is to come than I am at times. I know that they just want to see me blessed and get to experience the profound privilege of being someone's mom.

But here is the deal...the real deal. I have been pretty up front here lately with my situation and the journey I am on, so I figure when the time comes that I am lucky enough to be pregnant again I will share parts of that journey openly. You won't have to spend time trying to decode cryptic message said in passing or ask the questions like "Are you trying to tell us something?" and "What does that mean?" etc. I will be all like newsflash there is a baby up in here...or something to that effect.

So thank you all for caring enough to be curious and inquire about the occupational status of my womb...but I would appreciate it a little bit more if you would wait for me to let you in on the news when it happens.

The Belly of the Whale

Have you ever wondered how Jonah felt when he was swallowed up and chillin in the belly of the whale? Well, I highly doubt he was "chillin" more like despairing. Anyway, I imagine he felt a bit of frustration with himself for not being obedient in the first place, scared that he may not make it out, and desperate for God to show him mercy and come to his rescue. But that's just me.

As I was listening to my pastor teach about Jonah today, I realized that I have felt just like I imagine Jonah to have felt for those 3 long days trapped in the belly of the whale. I have felt scared and uncertain about my future, afraid that there was no light at the end of my darkness. I have felt desperate for God to not only show me mercy and come to my rescue, but for Him to just give me peace and hold me close. I have more recently felt frustration with myself for thinking that I could control my life and situation, that my plan was somehow going to work out better than the plan God has so meticulously designed for me, when of course it didn't. But as my pastor continued on he made a statement that was kind of a mind blow for me as I was having my moment with Jonah, he said that God didn't place Jonah in the belly of the whale out of wrath for his disobedience but that he placed him there out of his kindness. What?! Yeah...mind blow...so as I'm pondering this, still in my Jonah moment sitting in the belly of the giant fish and all, I have this "whoa, ah ha" moment. My whale, of course, is this struggle through miscarriage and if my pastor's statement holds true, God didn't place me in "the belly of my whale" out of anger, but out of love and kindness....hmmmmm

Chew on that for a second, I know I had to. I think this takes us back to the struggle with the idea of how can a God who loves me so much and wants things for my good and not to harm, deal out such hurt. How is that kind? I know that is a question that most of us at some point in our trials have asked or will ask, I have. I think it is a valid question. Not one that God hears and thinks how dare you question my love, rather I think he wants us to ask it so he can blow our minds by showing us his love in a way that we couldn't imagine. He has so much more waiting for us.

And oh man did God have big things in store for Jonah! I mean come on, God knew that boy was gonna high tail it in the complete opposite direction of Nineveh before he even told Jonah to go there, but he was kind when he rescued him from the sea, via whale, and delivered him to dry land again. Jonah was stirred and his fervor reignited for his God, his deliverer, and hundreds of thousands of people in Nineveh were saved as a result. God wanted to bless those people through Jonah. So maybe that is my story too. Maybe this whale that has me holed up in it's belly is a blessing for others waiting to be delivered. There is has to be so much more to my story. I know that God has a plan show me love and kindness and blessing in a way that will really blow my mind. 

So in the end all I can do is thank God for his kindness, thank God for the whale(even if it is a little stinky sometimes)

Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you. <--- Truth
                                                      Jeremiah 32:17
 

The American Dream? Hmmmm

So lately God has been shifting my ideas, or should I say my perspective about MANY things. This comes a result of me bombarding him with relentless questions all day long. You know the why's, and what next's, and when's...those kinds of questions that still plague my brain more often than not. But, one of the many things that I have began thinking quite differently about is this illusion of the quote unquote "American Dream". (Cause I can assure you I do not feel as if I am living a dream at the moment in all honesty.) You know the old 2.5 kids, house in the burbs, dog in the yard, white picket fence hoopla that you grow up believing is what it's all about. Boy meets girl, they get married, buy a house and a dog, they make some babies and shuttle them around to various extracurricular activities. But who on Earth decided that was the goal to shoot for? That, that was this amazing accomplishment we should all pat ourselves on the back for having attained?

Now don't misunderstand me, I am not in anyway saying this scene, this dream, this life is wrong. No. Not at all. But God is really teaching me that His dream for my family is going to look soooo different. His dream from my family is the perfect and most amazing dream. One that I could never have dared to dream up or concoct on my own.

I feel like so often we(or maybe just me) have this feeling that what we had dreamed up or planned out for our lives is the way it should be and we push and try everything to make the relationships and circumstances in our lives fit into this plan, or timeline. We(or me...I'm really just speaking to myself here) sometimes get so wrapped up in this daily grind of making life go according to our predesigned idea or plan that somewhere in the mix we lose sight of God and we stop truly listening to the directions he is giving. 

I know that God has taken Michael and I down this path for a reason. If not for anything other than the realization that our dream, HIS dream for us is not what many would consider perfectly aligned with the all American dream. The realization that the plan for our lives together that we had going into this are not the same plans that God had for us. We don't know what those plans are...still no clue...like none. BUT we aren't afraid. We know better now to listen, and look to him for direction because he isn't in the business of leading us astray. His map for our lives is perfectly laid out.