Bumpdate: 25wks

So I have been intentionally waiting to give a quick update about all that is going on, thinking I'll wait until after my next appointment but truth be told I seem to always have another appointment coming up and if I keep waiting and waiting and waiting this kid will be here!

Basically I still have problems. As my husband would say "I've got 99 problems and a hematoma is just one!" But really the hematoma is the one that is causing the most concern at the moment. We went in several weeks ago for our anatomy scan at 20 weeks. Emerson looked amazing! Everything as it should be and he was even measuring a bit ahead, so we were super happy and thankful for a healthy baby! However, my hematoma that started out measuring around 1cm at 8 weeks had really done some growing as well. It measured 9cm x 5.2cm x 2.5cm. It was a doozy of a bleed. I hadn't had any active bleeding since around 13 weeks though, and my slight brown spotting g had even subsided. Even though I hadn't had any active bleeding and the hematoma looked less "liquidy" on ultrasound the Dr. still made the choice to stop my blood thinner and put me on bed rest....this decision was made the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Bed rest also meant no work...which I hated but I knew that we had gotten to the halfway mark and that I needed to do whatever I could do so that we could bring Emerson home at the end of this journey....so I got really cozy on my couch and settled I to being lazy and somewhat helpless.

I was referred to a maternal fetal medicine doctor as well mainly just so we could get his opinion on the situation since he is the high risk specialist dude. We went to Fayetteville to see him the Wednesday after Thanksgiving. He did another looonnngg scan and checked everything with Emerson, who thankfully still looked perfect! Unfortunately the pesky hematoma is still there BUT it is significantly smaller measuring 6cm x 3cm x 1cm at 23 weeks. Yay and boo at the same time....I really just wanted it gone but that would be unrealistic given it's size and time between scans. But hey you can't fault a girl for hoping. Basically the mfm doc confirmed that the course of treatment given
by Dr. Bell was what we should stick with. So I am continuing on with my folate and baby aspirin and prenatal and yes two more weeks of bed rest...He told us that ladies with these hematoma's find themselves at an increased risk for pre-eclampsia and pre term labor so Dr. Bell is going to be seeing me every two weeks rather than four to keep an eye on me. I go back to the mfm doc in January.

So basically I have become an expert at being really lazy and not working....but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel or couch rather....technically bed rest will be over Friday but I will probably take it easy over the two week break from school to be safe. I will start back to work in January! Yay! Hopefully this hematoma is on the way out and we can enjoy these last few months of pregnancy free of event!

I will say I am thankful that I have gotten to spend the last several weeks sitting and really enjoying my baby boy growing and moving like crazy! It is the strangest yet most amazing feeling. And with
each week that passes I breathe a little easier knowing Emerson's chances of making it here healthy
go up! Love that little boy!
   Here are some pics of our sweet, sweet Emerson from a couple of weeks ago he was weighing in at 1 lb 3oz at just at 23 weeks so I am thinking he is getting close to 2 lbs by now....

He tends to like to put his feeties over his head!

He is just the cutest little boy in utero ever...he gets it from his momma

I'm pretty sure his dad liked this one. Number 1 already.

A Peek Inside My 19 Weeks of Pregnancy

So I first have to start this blog by saying how overwhelmed Michael and I have felt with the outpouring of love, joy, and pure excitement over our news a couple of weeks ago! We are truly blessed to have some of the most incredible friends, family, and yes even strangers praying for us and rooting for us during this time. So you know...we could not do walk this road without each and everyone of you! So thank you, we love you!

With that, let's talk pregnancy....so when I was pregnant the very first time 2 summers ago(man that seems so long ago) I look back and think how utterly clueless and naive I was about EVERYTHING pregnancy related. I mean I literally thought it was gonna be fabulous,maybe I'd feel a little queasy but nothing I couldn't deal with, I would get just a little bump but not really gain weight anywhere else I mean it would literally look like I had a basketball up my shirt, and because I was active and young I may gain weight but I was totally gonna bounce back so quickly like you'd see me a week later and wow who would have guessed I had just pooped out a child. Obviously...I was an idiot...

This pregnancy has NOT been that pleasant...like at all. Truth be told if I hear one more formerly pregnant lady(kuddos to you for birthing a child not taking that from you) tell me how they felt the best they have ever felt in their life while pregnant and that it was sooooooo great and super and fabulous...I will slap them(no offense) Trust me I feel incredibly guilty and all kinds of wrong to be complaining...I mean who does that? Especially someone who has been through what I have...but for the first 17 weeks of this shiz I have felt like complete and total crap, and I have had some really scary moments to add to my stress(more on that in a bit) Needless to say I am not the glowing picture of pregnancy...but whatevs.

So yes I have been puking my guts up. Yes, I have been so tired I can hardly focus. Yes, my acid reflux and heart burn is reminiscent of swallowing LAVA almost all day, everyday...I mean water gives me heart burn! I had a terrible bout with constipation there for a few weeks, but I came out on the winning side of that war. You name it chances are I had it or still do...On top of all the really just generally crappy pregnancy symptoms, there is the medication....lots of medication...which trust, I am super thankful for because with out said medications sweet baby Emerson may not still be growing away in my belly right now. But I promised a run down on my just what all it has taken to keep him safe so here it goes....disclaimer so of the drugs and descriptions on this list may not be suitable for young viewers...or men...they might rather not know these things.

First Trimester:

At 5 weeks I was started on a daily dose of Lovenox(essentially heparin) a blood thinner which comes in a preloaded syringe. Yay! This means each night around 9-9:30 I inject myself with a dose. To date I have taken 98 shots. Yes, they do hurt, not so much the initial stick but the actual medicine burns really, really bad for a good 15 mins after the shot. Yes, they occasionally leave bruises, sometimes really nasty blackish purple ones and they can be quite large.Along with the Lovenox I also take a daily dose of baby aspiring, 81mg. This does not suck. When I started taking Lovenox I also started to take Crinone. Crinone is a progesterone suppository...yeah this one was actually the worst for me. I had to take it twice a day, in the morning and at night, and it was messy....nuff said. The day Dr. Bell said no more, October 1st but who would remember that, was one of the best days of pregnancy for me! I do not miss you Crinone...

Because my MTHFR mutation doesn't allow my body to metabolize folic acid like a normal person, and folic acid is super important in pregnancy, I also take a low does of L-methylfolate. This also does not suck. I take a prenatal everyday as well, also does not suck.

Because I am a problem child, I also had to go weekly to check progesterone levels, which means a stick in the arm every week...not that fun but needles don't really give me pause. I also received an ultrasound much earlier than most. This is where things started to get really stressful for me. So, here I am thinking I am on this drug regimen and things would be golden, but during my first ultrasound at 7 weeks they found a hematoma. Great...not again was my thought, but they had said that it was small and no big. A few days later, the Saturday before the first day of school, I found myself in the ER GUSHING blood. I mean gushing as in more than I ever remember bleeding in less than an hours time with my two natural miscarriages. I was crushed. I thought here we go again...and I just about gave up on the thought of ever trying to get pregnant again. I was at the point of throwing in the towel for good. They sent me to ultrasound and baby still had a heartbeat, but they informed me that my gestational sack was elongated and abnormal....great...Thankfully on Monday, the FIRST DAY of school Dr. Bell was able to work me into an ultrasound where we saw that my gestational sack was not elongated or abnormal and baby looked fine. Relief, excitement, everything is now going to be golden....wrong. At 13 weeks I started bleeding then soon after gushing blood yet again at work...great...my principal was great though and let me go without a thought and straight to the doctor we went. Dr. Bell was gone but we got to hear the baby on the doppler and thankfully I had an appointment in two days, so we left feeling slightly better and bleeding tapered off. So now things are going to be great and golden....wrong this brings me into the

Second Trimester:
Around 15 weeks I started to have a weird feeling in my lady parts like a lot of pressure building when I stood, walked, coughed, etc. So again I called the doctor and they of course had me come in. The baby still had a good heartbeat. I was measuring right on track and from outside my cervix looked nice and shut. Just to be safe Dr. Bell sent me straight in for an ultrasound to check my cervical length. Well that was great, nice and long and closed as it should be, but no worries the cause of the pressure revealed itself. My nice little almost tiny hematoma had grown to a nice much larger size and was residing directly on top of my cervix....still is...I have not had any more bleeding episodes, even though they keep telling me it could happen. I have however continued to spot brownish stuff since my 13 week bleed. 

So as you can see this has not been the gumdrops and roses and rainbows kind of pregnancy I had hoped for, but Emerson is proving to be true to his name and he is most definitely a brave and powerful little boy to be continuing to call my hostile uterus home. With all that complaining being said, I am still overjoyed to be pregnant even though it kinds stinks, I couldn't be happier to be this sweet little ones momma, and I wouldn't trade this entire experience for anything. It blows my mind that I will be halfway finished with this process next week and that in like 4 1/2 months we will get to meet our son. Even when it hurts and makes you sick and gives you crazy stress God is still so mind blowingly good.

P.S. It has been 3 weeks since I have called or been to the doctor for some issue that has come up.I go back next week on Thursday for my anatomy scan...which will make it a grand total of 4 weeks 2 days between visits! Take that! Just like a normal pregnant person! woot!

Summer Surprises and Fall Blessings

Well hello blogger world!! I know, I know you are all probably wondering(or haven't really given it much thought) where in the world I have been for the past 4 1/2 months! Well....I believe when we last spoke, chatted, blogged I had stated my mounting sense of discouragement and frustration upon not being able to get pregnant, and the toll that it had been taking on my spirit. Michael and I had decided to take a break, you know a break from all that crazy charting and opk's and pregnancy tests, and just enjoy each other and what the summer had to offer. Sooooo....I guess I took up the mindset that anything I would have to say may be a little boring or off the topic of my blog in general, so I choose radio silence, and maybe I was a little "blogger lazy" to start the summer.

With all of that being said it brings me to my reason for dragging myself out of hiding today and writing to all of you lovely followers. Summer surprises. I guess I should start by saying that I really hate all things that come across as cliche...which is why this summer surprise seems quite ironic to me. So as you know we had taken a break from the craziness that was trying to actively have a baby...well as everyone will tell you "when you stop trying that is when it will happen" yata yata...here comes the irony...it DID! Wha?! I know right? Crazy! Around the first of July, mind you I am not charting my cycle or anything so I have no idea of dates here not mention I am terrible with them, I was feeling a little odd no other way to describe it, and I knew that it was around time for ole aunt flo to rear her ugly, unwanted head and I had a pregnancy test lying around from my crazy test taking a couple months prior so I thought "what the hey? Why not?" So I took the thing and waited and waited(you know the 3 min always seems like hours) and ever so slowly I started to see very faint double pink lines. Now because my eyes like to fool me when it comes to these darling pregnancy tests, I took it in to Michael and had him see if he could see what I thought I could see...he could. I about nearly passed out! For real ya'll...what was happening?! Needless to say as soon as I could I called my doctor and went in for blood work to confirm what that little test had already stated...We were finally pregnant again!

This brings me to the second reason I stayed away from my blog...I know you are probably thinking why? Now you have this new pregnancy to write and share about. And that is exactly it. As much as my heart wanted to get on here and scream out about God's faithfulness and be an encouragement to all my sisters still in what feels like a battle of infertility, we were very hesitant to put our business out there so early(ironic right, the girl so open about her past loses to nervous to speak about her current pregnancy). So I didn't post...for 4 months!

Which brings me to today...I know you are all waiting and continuing to read this massive post to see what our outcome has been to date, and I will get there but first I want to give a moment to celebrate my God because no matter what any outcome he has and always will be a God who has been faithful to us, who has loved us and cared for our broken hearts, and without who we would be a sloppy, broken mess. I was at my grandmother's church a couple of weeks and ago and the message that her pastor was preaching was so near to our hearts and so true of our situation that it took everything I had to not break down and cry and praise God and hurt and just let out every emotion of the past 2 years...his message was about Naomi, you know mother-in-law of Ruth. Naomi lost everything. She lost her husband, her sons, and was left in a land separated from her people. One of her daughter-in-laws left her and all she had in this world was Ruth, Ruth who was faithful and refused to leave her side. So long story short, Ruth and Naomi travel back to be among Naomi's people. In the end Ruth ends up marrying Boaz, and they have children and who have children and Ruth, and Naomi through Ruth, end up in the lineage of Jesus. I mean talk about going through incredible suffering, but God being faithful and blessing you beyond measure! As I sat listening I felt such a connection with the story of Naomi, I too had lost my children, and felt incredible pain. But my God is faithful and as I sat feeling the pain of loss over my four babies that I never got to hold I felt joy over the life that was continuing to grow within me, and I know that God has such big things in store for the 3 of us! I remained faithful and I know that God has heard all of the cries of many, not just mine and my husbands, and he has proven faithful and answered.

So it is with great joy and excitement that I introduce you all to our son..yes son Emerson Michael Bradley! Here are some pictures and video of our gender reveal party!

I know that you all probably have lots of questions about shots, and medication, and hematomas(which I still have) and everything related to this pregnancy and I will address all of that in another post. For now I just want to celebrate my God and my son Emerson!

Winding down...

Whew! I feel like I have been going, going, going like a mad woman the past few weeks. It's like there is always something going on or something to do! But, if you know, are married to, or are a teacher you probably know the hectic time of year that is the end of school! My husband does not enjoy the months of August or May...I severely neglect my wifely jobs like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry(who am I kidding, I have never been an overachiever in those areas!) during these two months. There is just so much going on...I can't help it, really.

However, I am on the brink of summer break...it is soooo close...2 days, so things are slowly starting to wind down, I mean I am updating the blog BEFORE midnight and on a school night to boot! But with school winding down I feel like there are some other things that personally I am ready to pump the breaks on.

So since October,as a lot of you know, we have been actively trying to get pregnant again...to no avail. I found my self most months really prioritizing it. I was all "To Do for November: I gotta learn how to teacher persuasive writing to second graders AND get pregnant." "To do for April:  How do I teach second graders to write Fairy Tales, oh yeah and GET PREGNANT ALREADY!" Try as I may each  month to be like, whatever, we are just trying, no stress, meh...yeah right...I am super obsessive about certain things and getting pregnant is one of them, evidently. 

With that being said...I am exhausted...really. This month did me it I think...I was 2 days late and even though I took a test the day after my period was due I was still slightly hopeful the following day when it still didn't show up and I started trying to come up with some reason I would have no period and a negative pregnancy test but still be pregnant...even though deep down I knew it just defied logic...I haven't really had time for good ole logic these days people. 
Anyway, you can probably guess what happened the 3rd day...yep...confirmation that I had indeed lost the capacity for rational thought the previous 2 days...I wasn't and am not pregnant. Quit playing games with my heart(and mind) mother nature...

I think, though, I am ready for a break...now I don't know how that is going to really go over once I hit that peak fertility week in my cycle this month, but for really my heart is just kinda worn down and needs a break from the the little mini tears it endures due to my disappointment each month. So, we are gonna just take a hiatus from "active" babymaking...you know the charting and all that crap...just live life, enjoy the upcoming summer break, and wind down.

Happy start of summer all!

Tiny hands and feet, and a very BIG green eyed monster

So I have this friend, a best friend really. She is an all around amazing woman who I have always thought was way to cool to be my friend. Today she did something rather amazing...something that to be honest I didn't think would happen to her for a little bit, but then again I think that is what makes it even more amazing. Today my friend had a baby girl. A truly perfect, stunning, precious baby girl. She is a rock star and I am so proud of her.

I, on the other hand, am not too proud of myself. You see I have been an extremely withdrawn friend. I haven't been active part of this entire process for her and I am so upset and ashamed of myself. I think earlier this year I had posted something about living in a world filled with people who are pregnant or getting pregnant and try as I may I couldn't(still can't) seem to gain admittance to this exclusive club. This was all fine and dandy and a little irritating, when it was just people I knew or was kinda friends with or went to school with I could shrug it off and say, "well that is so wonderful for them. I hope things go well." and move right along without a single hitch in my giddy up(what?) It was different for me when it became my best friend...you may say, "seriously?! What is wrong with you? I would be over the moon for my friend." I WAS and I AM...but that was kind of the problem I was SOOOOO overjoyed and beyond astonished, amazed, and excited and that conflicted very strongly with this part of me from my deep dark place that just wanted to cry because I wasn't getting to experience it for myself. I would feel excited, then jealous, then guilty, then just heartbroken because I couldn't get a grip on things. So I did what a lot of people do when faced with a tough situation...I pretended like it wasn't there, ran away, and hid...

Not a good choice.

I have missed out on getting to be a part of her journey as she prepared to become a mom for the first time...there won't be another first time...I missed it...I missed out on being there for her as she experienced the completely miraculous and amazing(sometimes not so comfortable) experience of growing a life and bringing that tiny person into the world. I missed all of these things because I was unable and unwilling to see past my own hurt and situation and put someone I care for before myself...it was all around selfishness. Something I regret terribly.

So there is my truth...it is hard to have a best friend who is expecting...there is no end to the crazy spectrum of emotions you are gonna feel. I did a really poor job of handling them this time...I can only hope to start fresh, and do better from now on. I plan to start by getting to see this new beauty and loving on her very much. I will keep you posted on my progress...that is all I can do is try to make progress and move forward.

It could always be worse...right?

So you know when something that you think is totally tragic, and sometimes really is, happens and there is always that handy friend there to tell you, "Hey, it could always be worse." Well...I was someones "it could always be worse" today, and I have to tell you that at first I was all like..."woah...depressed...you're right my situation is TOTALLY worse than that"(sad face) but then I thought about the mother and father who lost their precious 8 year old son in Boston 2 weeks ago and numerous others who could say that their situation is totally worse than mine. Mine didn't seem as sad in that moment...

 Point being that there are a lot of hurting hearts out there in the world tonight. Our friends, family, coworkers, the lady behind you in the self checkout line at Wal-mart, people you know are hurting. Hearts are aching and broken and to be honest we probably have no clue that someone close to us is searching desperately for something to ease or take away the hurt. I think that is why I am so into sharing my story and laying my heart out in there in the open for all of the you to see...good, bad, and ugly though it may be. I want those hurting hearts, especially those of my fellow sisters who are enduring this roller coaster ride of miscarriage and infertility, to know that it doesn't have to hurt forever...that there is a hope and peace for your tired and weary heart. Jesus.

Today at church we were discussing the cross, picturing the cross and what it meant to us as we held it in our minds eye...to me it was hope and freedom...yes hope and freedom from the weight of my sin, but also a hope and freedom from the weight of sorrow, sadness, burden, heartbreak...my God died on that cross to bear my burden for ME...all of it. In that single thought there is such a fullness of hope.

I don't really know where I am going with this...I just know that we need to be a body of believers, people, whatever you want to call it, who love with out condition as often as we can...on whoever we can...you never know that lady behind you in line at the self check in Wal-mart could have a heart that is battered and scared and you might just be able to give her some of the hope and healing that she is searching for.  

*Thinking of all of the mothers who have lost a precious child, baby, angel baby on this Bereaved Mothers Day with a full heart...may you all be greatly blessed...

Today I feel__________________, and other moods that make my day.

So, I know that I have been MIA in the bloggersphere for a bit, and to be honest I have no excuses. Zero. Zip. Nada. I have just been a supremely lazy blogger...it's just that every time I have sat down in front of my computer screen and attempted to write up a new post I give up about 2 sentences in and recite my mantra of "I'll finish it up later." Well as you may have noticed later in Megan speak obviously means "I'll finish it up in two months, give or take a week." But tonight as I was laying on my couch recouping from a seriously intense leg workout(like the kind that causes your legs to shake and burn when sitting down to use the potty intense), my normal chipper, happy, it's all good mood slowly started to transform into the most lame pity party, tear rolling, nose sniffling kind of event I have had in quite some time. As I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself and having my "woe is me, when is it going to be my turn moment" a book that I read to my class at the beginning of the year came to mind. Totes random(yes I just used totes...I have lost my ever loving mind this evening) I know, but strangely enough the words of this children's book made me feel better, made me feel ok even.

The title of the book is Today I feel Silly, and Other Moods that Make My Day. It was written by Jamie Lee Curtis...the Jamie Lee Curtis, I know right, surprisingly she is a pretty good children's book author. Anywho, basically the long and short of the book is that it is a book about all the feelings that a little girl feels and the things that cause her to have those feelings. The big lesson to be learned in the end is that we all have many different kinds of feelings everyday, sometimes they are feelings like happiness and joy. Other times they are feelings of anger and rage. Still other times they are feelings of sadness, frustration, and desperation. Those were my feelings this evening...

But I remembered the lesson that Mrs. Curtis was so skillfully presenting...we have many feelings, for many different reasons, you can't help how you feel, and it's ok to feel that way....it's ok...really...pity parties are ok....as long as you don't hang out there too long.

So friends, readers, fellow bloggers: My name is Megan, and today I feel sad, defeated, and frustrated...but I know that tomorrow holds a new set of feelings and I know that I will be ok. Fantastic even.

Thanks So Much...and Farewell

Ok, so I am just now getting around to posting about my retretrospective of this past year...I know, I know we are what, like 13 days in and I should have already hammered this out, but as most college friends could probably attest to I am a chronic procrastinator. I do my best work when under an intense time constraint. All of that just to say...sorry it has taken me 13 days to share my enlightened reflections and goals for the coming new year...

As this past year was drawing to a very anticlimactic close, I sat down, and at first thought about how rough this year was and how very excited I would be to see it go...(no tears cried for you 2012), but when I slowed down the movie reel, depicting this years best and worst moments, in my head I realized that this year wasn't as horribly awful as I thought, or as most people around me probably think I thought it was...this year was actually life changing, in the best way possible.

I mean, did this year have it's moments of lose, intense hurt, anger, bitterness, etc...of course it did. But, it was in those moments, walking through this indescribably difficult season of life that I was drawn closer to my God than ever before in my life. My faith was tested and redefined...I mean I actually had to depend on my faith, my faith in Christ alone in order to not completely lose it and spiral into a really dark, lonely place.  You see, I had a friend point out to me recently, in the nicest way possible, that despite what I might think, I have in fact lived a pretty "spoiled" life. I mean I didn't have a "real" job until I was 22 out of college and started teaching. I had a monthly allowance all through college and never had to work, I just had to get good grades, which thankfully came relatively easily for me.I got a new car when I graduated from high school. If I needed something, I got it. (let's be clear...if I NEEDED something, not WANTED something, BIG difference...I wasn't that spoiled.) And, for the majority of my college and young adult life my testimony had been mostly about how God had "kept" me.(see...spoiled in all aspects of my life) Kept me in a church. Kept me from being surrounded by friends that might influence me to make some wrong choices. Kept me from enduring the intense pain of losing someone close to me. He had kept me and I liked it that way. Things were as I thought they should always be....a few small snags or bumps along the way but nothing serious. 

It was during this time of my life that I was so into God, but my faith was so weak...I knew all the right things to say or do, the right ways to carry myself, but my faith was weak. Now, I am able to look back on that season of my life and yes, long for the simple uncomplication of it all, but I wouldn't trade these days for those days, not for a million bucks. I have come to a place where my faith has been thoroughly put through a fire. I have been pushed to my breaking point, only to discover that could was always there holding my hand longing for my heart to rest in him. I have come to a place where I now without a shadow of a doubt that the only one who knows my plan and who wants to see that plan come to fruition is my God, but if I can't trust in that, have faith in that, then I am the one who is missing the blessing. And, I don't want to miss out on the blessing God has in store for my family!

So, 2012, it would be so simple for me to say good rid-ins, but I won't. Instead I will simply say thank you. Thank you for being the year my life seemed to fall to pieces only to be picked back up and placed back together in an even more beautiful deisign by my God.