Little Pink Line

So I know, I know...I haven't been  on top of updating here the last couple of weeks. I like to think of it as a brief hiatus during which my time was occupied by travel, eating, family, and a couple of celebrations here and there. But I am back and going to try to be better(says every blogger ever) It's not that I haven't had many things stir up my thoughts and inspire me to take to my keyboard and write, I have! It's just that time seems to be something that I don't have much of right now, like I seriously think I get shorted hours in the day or something of that nature.(excuses I know, I know) Well, all of my adoring fans...all 10 of you(who I love)...here you go!

When I first started this blog I wanted to create a forum for honesty. Not just  a place for me to come and spill my guts, which is what usually happens, but a place where other women walking down a somewhat similar path as I am could come, read, share, and feel like they weren't entirely alone in their struggles. So in the interest of following through and realizing that vision, I think there are some things that I am ready to put out there and be pretty raw and real about.

If you have read any of my previous postings you know about my stuggles with miscarriage. But as a quick catch up for you newbies I will give you the short of it. Over the course of exactly 12 months, which was very strange, ironic even, my husband and I lost three pregnancies and four babies(one set of identical twins). During this journey of joy and heartache it was determined that I have a blood clotting disorder that they, the doctors,  believe is causing my miscarriages, but the only way to be certain is to get pregnant again and inject myself with a blood thinner twice a day for the duration of the pregnancy. Our third and most recent miscarriage happened in July. We were given the go ahead to try for baby number 5 after I had had two-three cycles. 

Which brings me to the reason I am writing this blog in the first place. My husband and I were a little reluctant to start trying again so soon. As you can imagine the emotions surrounding the entire process can be very draining. How can you experience excitement, hope, and anticipation all the while feeling terrified, doubtful, and defeated? It seems like all that emotion would be impossible to feel at once, but trust...I feel all of that and more most days. Through our prayer and discussions it became clear to us that our absolute desire to have a child completely obliterated the fear, worry, and doubt, so at the end of September we started trying to conceive again.

No, this is not one of those "SURPRISE! We are pregnant" posts, I mean, I wish it were. It is more of a "We're not pregnant...so now what?" post. I don't know what it is like for the rest of you trying to conceive peeps out there, or TTC as all the message boards and groups on the internet call it. Clever right? But, I go crazy for peeing on those little sticks! I should really buy stock in First Response, or at least set up a savings account just to cover the cost of my addiction. I do though, I have to pee on a million of them, and each and every time I see that single, solitary pink line a little piece of my hope, my joy gets taken away. So, this month, much like last month as I peed on my First Response and stared at it for 3 minutes willing a second pink line to somehow manifest itself, I had one of those "What the hell am I doing!" moments. I mean, how is it that for the past 3 months, 90 days, I have let this one pink line steal my joy?! How have I allowed this hope for a child become the thing that consumes my life?! How did I allow myself yank this plan for my marriage and my family right back out of the hands of Christ when I had so willingly placed it there 3 months ago?! What the hell was I doing? 

Right then and there I threw away all of my pregnancy test paraphernalia. I had to right this ship that had gotten so terribly off course. I had to let go....If you know me, you know that that is a terribly hard thing for me to do, but I had to. If I believe in what I have been touting about on here, if I believe that God has a plan for all of this suffering, a plan to bring beauty from these ashes, then I have to live it. "Yahweh-yireh" those aren't just some pretty words and they don't just look cool tattooed on a wrist...they are words of truth and affirmation over my life and I have GOT to believe it. I can't make this happen...I cannot make myself get pregnant. If it is in my plan, God will make it happen. I mean who am I kidding, God is bigger than an ovulation predictor kit. Just sayin. He is constant, He is only good, He is soveriegn, He is there in the dark, He is there when it hurts and you have ONE big pink like staring you the face screaming better luck next time. He is God.The end.