I Know I'm a Mess...But YOU'RE Constant

So you know how when you are thinking about buying a certain car or even right after you buy a new car you all of a sudden start to see cars just like yours all over the road...even though you are almost certain that hardly anyone drove that kind of car before, making it seem semi rare and in truth that was part of what enticed you to buy it in the first place. Well, I have come to find out that pregnancy is EXACTLY the same way. It just so happens that when you are trying your darnedest to get pregnant every time you turn around, or log in to Facebook, someone else on your friends list is posting an entirely too creative way to announce their upcoming buddle of joy...yes I know, I sound a little bitter...and jealous...and envious...and you know what, I am...all of those things. Real talk. Please to all of my very special and precious friends who are expecting you must know that my heart is bursting with happiness for you and I also would totally like switch places with you tomorrow. I feel like I am torn between these two sides of feeling...like a hormonal Jekyll and Hyde. I cry because I am happy. I then turn around and cry because I want so badly for that to be me. It is a very strange, complicated gambit of emotion, and try as I may it does get me down some days.

I tell myself that really, it is all baby steps. The first step I took was the all too wobbly step to even voice my story. The next step was to find the stregnth to try again to get pregnant. The most recent step, the one that I still stumble around and fall on my rump most of the time, was letting go of the process. Trying very hard not to obsesses over every aspect the cycle and let God take the lead.(I am getting better I only peed on two sticks this month...progress) I guess another step that I am going to have to very carefully attempt to take is to put all this bitterness aside and to give all the joy I have to these women who I love and care about and truly wish nothing but complete happiness to. I have to stop rushing this along just because Sally Sue is due in July and I want to be too. Faith...God is whispering or rather singing over me...have faith. And I am shouting back...but it's soooooo sooooo soooo hard!

I am a lover of music...I love it. I find that music speaks so much more to me than most spoken word most days. I think that God meets me when I am having an inpromptu jam/worship sesh, usually in my car, and when he does things get real...and I get wrecked, but I always leave feeling like, "dang! God knows me, my heart, and where I am and what I am sifting through right now." And he always has the right thing to say. "When the darkness falls and I am at my weakest point...let me be found faithful" So true...I want to be found fatihful...to be strong in my faith, even in the darkness, even at my weakest...and I am in those places all too often it seems. I am so thankful to have a God who loves me and wrecks me through his song and reminds me of my true heart.

I couldn't find the video of the song I was quoting, but this is the same band and it is good stuff too..."I know I'm a mess and you're constant. Always here come rain or shine. Life is fast and you are still. I know I could never outrun you."

Darkness Falls: The Assemblie

The battle rages on deep down within me
My flesh pulls one way
Your will pulls the other
This battle must be won
And it’s mine to fight
You know I long to be victorious
When the darkness falls
And I am at my weakest point
Let me be found faithful
As the years go by
And You look back on all I’ve done
Let me be found faithful
What good are my intentions without convictions
Come stir my inner being
Beyond all emotion
What good are my successes without holiness
I could gain the world and still be without You
You are brilliant
Shining like the stars
When You look down on me
I hope You’re pleased with me
You are brilliant shining like the stars
When I see Your face
I long to hear You say
Well done child, well done child
Well done child
You’ve been faithful