So now that I have grown to a nice rounded size...this seems to be the question that I get asked a lot in passing, by you know, whoever. "Awww congratulations! Is this your first?" to which I smile and graciously say thank you and and yes. But, every time I answer yes to this question I immediately think to myself..NO! this is not your first! You see, it's not my first. Emerson is my fifth child. I have four other sweet babies, they just don't happen to reside here on this Earth with me. I think about them a lot more these days, especially since we are so close to getting to meet their brother. It is the most ridiculously bittersweet time in my life. I am so anxious to finally meet Emerson, but at the same time my heart still longs for those babies as well. I wonder what they would have looked like, if they were little boys or girls, who they would have become. I know that my questions will be answered someday when I see them in the arms of Jesus, but that doesn't stop me from wanting them to be here with me at times.
So I smile and I respond, "yes this is my first." even though I know in my heart I am already a mother four times over. I would never throw that out there in casual conversation "No actually it's my fifth, but the first I will bring home you see." I would never seek to catch a complete stranger off guard and feeling awkward having to digest that nugget of information. But somehow I felt the need to claim them, to speak out that they were once here, that I am their mother, and that someday I WILL know them. So...
"No this is not my first child. This is my fifth precious child. Four of my babies are resting safe in the arms of Jesus and someday Michael, myself, and Emerson will see and know them."
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Starting the New Year with a Bang!
This week has been quite eventful for us to say the least. First we welcomed in the new year, a year that will be pretty life changing for us as a family. This is the year we will meet our son, which is a very crazy, surreal thought. To be honest, over the last 2 years as we have struggled through loss after loss, loss became the norm. We knew nothing different, that was how pregnancy seemed to go for us. Even though we have clung to our faith and held onto hope that we would have a child, now that we are at a point in our pregnancy where even if something happened and he were to come today he would have a good chance of making it, it doesn't seem like a reality. We made it to the third trimester this week...in just three short months Emerson will be here.
We also made a trip to labor and delivery this week. Not for a birth class or tour, it was more of a middle of the night freak out moment for me. Bless my husbands heart, he has been really understanding and patient with me when I freak out over EVRY little thing. He hopped right out of bed, no arguing, to drive to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning even though he had to work the next day. See, what had happened was I had been having a really intense sharp pain in my lower abdomen earlier in the day, to the point I called my doctor and had made a trip to his office for him to check me out.( also bless Dr. Bell's heart for seeing me all the time when I freak out over EVERY little thing) They took a urine sample to send off to check for a UTI because I was having pain in the right side of my back also. When I left the doctor I was still having the pain but was in agreement with the doctor thinking it was most likely a UTI. Then things got worse...around 10 o'clock I started having a lot of cramping and tightening in my belly, which I assumed where some form of contraction whether Braxton hicks or otherwise. I also still had the sharp pain, but it had migrated to the other side of my belly and was causing pain on both sides. Not wanting to rush to freak out mode I got up, drank a few glasses of water, walked around the house, and finally decided to sit on the couch and watch tv for a bit. After about an hour and several glasses of water it didn't seem to be getting better, it actually felt worse. It was at this time I decided to time to see just how far apart my pains were....they were coming around every 4-5 min this went on for over an hour. Needless to say I started to freak out and decided to wake Michael up and alert him to what was going on. We decided that we didn't want to wait to get in contact with the on call doctor, we just wanted to be at a place where if something were really wrong we could get immediate help.
So we get to the hospital and get into a room all hooked up to the monitor and such. Then we wait...basically after a few hours and a few contractions showing up they think it is more of an irritable uterus...which is uncomfortable p.s. I felt a little silly for going all the way over to the hospital for an irritable uterus, but it just didn't feel right. Better safe than sorry I guess. The hospital told me to call my doctor the next day to let him know what was going on, so I did. He decided to have me come in to ultrasound my kidneys because I was still having lots of discomfort and some pain. Sure enough there was some fluid backed up in my right kidney and it looked like I did have a UTI. So he prescribed some antibiotic for me. Thankfully the antibiotic is really helping! As of today I am pain free with no contractions! Thank The Lord, who knew a UTI could cause so much pain and discomfort...I sure didn't.
The upside to all of this is that after checking out my kidneys Dr. Bell had the tech take a peek at Emerson! He is getting so big and extra cute! Dr. Bell even had her snap some 4d shots to make me feel better because I was feeling a little upset and frustrated about everything!
One thing I know is that pregnancy is not my favorite...and I feel very guilty to say that....but pregnancy is not an easy thing for me. I know when he gets here it will be worth it, it is worth it, but it is hard. I have a lot of times where I wish that I could just have a normal, easy pregnancy, but that was not in the plans, so I just have to take it day by day and know that Emerson is going to be my greatest blessing
Here is my sweet boy at 27 weeks. I just don't know if I could love him any more.
We also made a trip to labor and delivery this week. Not for a birth class or tour, it was more of a middle of the night freak out moment for me. Bless my husbands heart, he has been really understanding and patient with me when I freak out over EVRY little thing. He hopped right out of bed, no arguing, to drive to the hospital at 1:30 in the morning even though he had to work the next day. See, what had happened was I had been having a really intense sharp pain in my lower abdomen earlier in the day, to the point I called my doctor and had made a trip to his office for him to check me out.( also bless Dr. Bell's heart for seeing me all the time when I freak out over EVERY little thing) They took a urine sample to send off to check for a UTI because I was having pain in the right side of my back also. When I left the doctor I was still having the pain but was in agreement with the doctor thinking it was most likely a UTI. Then things got worse...around 10 o'clock I started having a lot of cramping and tightening in my belly, which I assumed where some form of contraction whether Braxton hicks or otherwise. I also still had the sharp pain, but it had migrated to the other side of my belly and was causing pain on both sides. Not wanting to rush to freak out mode I got up, drank a few glasses of water, walked around the house, and finally decided to sit on the couch and watch tv for a bit. After about an hour and several glasses of water it didn't seem to be getting better, it actually felt worse. It was at this time I decided to time to see just how far apart my pains were....they were coming around every 4-5 min this went on for over an hour. Needless to say I started to freak out and decided to wake Michael up and alert him to what was going on. We decided that we didn't want to wait to get in contact with the on call doctor, we just wanted to be at a place where if something were really wrong we could get immediate help.
So we get to the hospital and get into a room all hooked up to the monitor and such. Then we wait...basically after a few hours and a few contractions showing up they think it is more of an irritable uterus...which is uncomfortable p.s. I felt a little silly for going all the way over to the hospital for an irritable uterus, but it just didn't feel right. Better safe than sorry I guess. The hospital told me to call my doctor the next day to let him know what was going on, so I did. He decided to have me come in to ultrasound my kidneys because I was still having lots of discomfort and some pain. Sure enough there was some fluid backed up in my right kidney and it looked like I did have a UTI. So he prescribed some antibiotic for me. Thankfully the antibiotic is really helping! As of today I am pain free with no contractions! Thank The Lord, who knew a UTI could cause so much pain and discomfort...I sure didn't.
The upside to all of this is that after checking out my kidneys Dr. Bell had the tech take a peek at Emerson! He is getting so big and extra cute! Dr. Bell even had her snap some 4d shots to make me feel better because I was feeling a little upset and frustrated about everything!
One thing I know is that pregnancy is not my favorite...and I feel very guilty to say that....but pregnancy is not an easy thing for me. I know when he gets here it will be worth it, it is worth it, but it is hard. I have a lot of times where I wish that I could just have a normal, easy pregnancy, but that was not in the plans, so I just have to take it day by day and know that Emerson is going to be my greatest blessing
Here is my sweet boy at 27 weeks. I just don't know if I could love him any more.
He is so cute.
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