Tiny hands and feet, and a very BIG green eyed monster

So I have this friend, a best friend really. She is an all around amazing woman who I have always thought was way to cool to be my friend. Today she did something rather amazing...something that to be honest I didn't think would happen to her for a little bit, but then again I think that is what makes it even more amazing. Today my friend had a baby girl. A truly perfect, stunning, precious baby girl. She is a rock star and I am so proud of her.

I, on the other hand, am not too proud of myself. You see I have been an extremely withdrawn friend. I haven't been active part of this entire process for her and I am so upset and ashamed of myself. I think earlier this year I had posted something about living in a world filled with people who are pregnant or getting pregnant and try as I may I couldn't(still can't) seem to gain admittance to this exclusive club. This was all fine and dandy and a little irritating, when it was just people I knew or was kinda friends with or went to school with I could shrug it off and say, "well that is so wonderful for them. I hope things go well." and move right along without a single hitch in my giddy up(what?) It was different for me when it became my best friend...you may say, "seriously?! What is wrong with you? I would be over the moon for my friend." I WAS and I AM...but that was kind of the problem I was SOOOOO overjoyed and beyond astonished, amazed, and excited and that conflicted very strongly with this part of me from my deep dark place that just wanted to cry because I wasn't getting to experience it for myself. I would feel excited, then jealous, then guilty, then just heartbroken because I couldn't get a grip on things. So I did what a lot of people do when faced with a tough situation...I pretended like it wasn't there, ran away, and hid...

Not a good choice.

I have missed out on getting to be a part of her journey as she prepared to become a mom for the first time...there won't be another first time...I missed it...I missed out on being there for her as she experienced the completely miraculous and amazing(sometimes not so comfortable) experience of growing a life and bringing that tiny person into the world. I missed all of these things because I was unable and unwilling to see past my own hurt and situation and put someone I care for before myself...it was all around selfishness. Something I regret terribly.

So there is my truth...it is hard to have a best friend who is expecting...there is no end to the crazy spectrum of emotions you are gonna feel. I did a really poor job of handling them this time...I can only hope to start fresh, and do better from now on. I plan to start by getting to see this new beauty and loving on her very much. I will keep you posted on my progress...that is all I can do is try to make progress and move forward.