So here we go again... I
have tried this blogging thing before, and found that I was quite
terrible at updating and posting. BUT this time around I am almost
positive that I will do a much better job of posting...you see, I am on a
journey that I hope and pray will lead to the healing and restoration
of my heart. It is my hope that a part of my healing will come through
releasing some of the burden that I have placed on myself, putting on
my best brave face and carrying the weight of my troubles all on my own,
by laying it all out on the page or screen as the case may be. So here
it goes....
This
is where my real story begins...July 2011. My husband and I were
approaching our second wedding anniversary and while yes, we talked
vaguely about having kids, when we would have kids, there were no plans
to have a baby anytime soon...or so we thought/planned. It was around
this time that I noticed some changes in my body the obvious being I
hadn't had a period in a while, so on a whim I took a pregnancy
test...it was positive. We were shocked...seriously shocked...and
scared. Were we ready to be parents? Were we ready to give up the
freedom that comes with having no children? Were we ready to give up our
sleep? At first it seemed as if the answer to all of those questions
was NO...but as the weeks went on we started to get excited about this
unexpected turn of events. But at 7wks pregnant we lost our baby. As
quickly as we had learned of this baby, we had lost it. We were
heartbroken. Something within us had been stirred though, the
overwhelming desire to be parents. To be blessed with the opportunity to
bring a life into the world and help that little life grow into a man
or woman who desperately loved God and his people. So as soon as we got
the ok from the Dr. we started actively trying to conceive again. It
didn't take long. Three months after our miscarriage we were pregnant
again. Everything seemed to be going well. Until one fall morning as I
got out of my car at work. I felt a gush of something when I stood up to
climb out of the car and my stomach dropped. It was like a bad episode
of the Twilight Zone, I felt like I had just left this place and I was
back again. I was an emotional wreck as I walked into the building and
my coworkers were amazing. They took care of me and tried the best they
could to comfort me. I left right away and went straight to my Dr. They
got me in very quickly to do and ultrasound. I was expecting bad news,
but to my shock I wasn't losing a baby, in fact I was pregnant with 2!
It was identical twins...and a hemorrhage in my uterus causing the
bleeding. They assured me, however, that this was common and usually
cleared itself up over time. We were over the moon...we had lost a
baby, but were now suddenly blessed with 2. We went back to the Dr. two
weeks later for another ultrasound and check up...this time we wouldn't
leave with good news, but heartbreak again. Our little twins had stopped
growing at 8 1/2 wks and we were having another miscarriage.
As
you can imagine we were completely crushed...I couldn't function around
anyone but my husband for a week. I stayed in my home away from the
world and hid. I eventually had to pull myself out of my hole of despair
because I had 16 innocent 5 year olds waiting for me at school and even
though it hurt my heart for weeks just to be around them I couldn't let
them down. It's funny...you can go through the days and put on a happy
face and no one would even know that deep down it is taking all you have
not to crumble to pieces on the spot. My husband and I still hadn't
lost hope that we would be parents some day. So we kept trying to have a
baby.
June
2012...I knew I was pregnant. I hadn't even missed a period, but I
knew. I had a good feeling about this one too. I took a pregnancy test,
and just as I had expected, it was positive. I changed doctors I wanted a
Dr. with more experience and he was having me come in once a week to
check all of my hormone levels. The day came in early/mid July when I
went in for my first ultrasound. I was so nervous and truthfully
expected bad news..that was all I had ever known. It took less than ten
seconds for the tech to find the baby and it's heartbeat. It was
measuring right at 7wks and had a heartbeat of 136bpm. Everything looked
great...except that I had another hemorrhage in my uterus, this time
the size of a baseball. My Dr. put me on a baby aspirin as a blood
thinner. You see I have been diagnosed with some blood clotting issues,
but they don't know how specifically they effect pregnancy. I was taking
the aspirin and continuing to have my levels checked weekly. Everything
seemed to be going well. I was so sick, sicker than I had ever been in
my two pregnancies before this one. It felt like we were finally going
to get our miracle. July 29, 2012 at 10 weeks we had our third
miscarriage and lost our fourth baby in 12 months. I don't think I even
have the words to write to begin to explain the depths of my sorrow, and
my pain, my anger, my feeling of failure.
In
the weeks after this loss my husband and I had to rely heavily on God
and his promise that all things are for our good, that he is for us and
that in all things he WILL provide. I'm not sure what that will look
like. I don't know if it will be in the form of a biological child, or
an adoptive child, or a foster child. That part of his plan is still
very clouded and uncertain right now, but I know he will provide for us
now and always.
We
were sitting in church a couple of weeks ago and our pastor was
speaking out of Genesis, where God told Abraham to take Isaac and
sacrifice him as an offering. Abraham was obedient in this and just when
he thought he was going to loose a son God provided an animal, sheep or
goat or something for him to sacrifice in the place of his son. Abraham
in that moment uttered yahweh-yireh, the lord will provide and named
that place that in remembrance of that moment. My husband looked at me
and said that is for us, our hope, our promise, the reminder of our
renewed faith.
Yahweh-yireh: The Lord Will Provide
Yes
that is a tattoo. I know that it may have some negative connotations or
stereotypes, but it is symbol of my hope and faith in my God and a part
of my story. I am not ashamed of my story. It is a part of what God has
planned to grow my faith and who I am and I know that he is going to
bless my family...he will provide for us in ways unimaginable...I claim
it and I believe it.
